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Time warner bill

$17.23 — Basic service

$37.35 — Standard service

$40.81 — Actual service

$12.50 — Federal taxes

$11.75 — Federal taxes, part two

$6.85 — New York City taxes

Continue reading @ The New Yorker

I WILL SLAP YOU

You heard me.

Yeah, you. I will slap you.

You want to look at me like that?

I’ll slap you so hard you’re gonna wish I hadn’t. I’ll slap you so hard you’re gonna be, like, “Don’t.”

And you? I’ll slap you, too. I’ll slap you right in the face.

Continue reading @ The New Yorker

August

Well, it's August again. So life is pretty much over.

"At least I have August!" you thought in June and July, before June and July filled up with garbage.

"Sure I can spend June and July reading comic books and catching up on True Blood. I've got August! August is when I'll really get into it! Hikes. Beach stuff. A screenplay. That's what August is all about!

Continue reading @ Huffington Post

Automatic Reply

I will be out of the office beginning Friday, January 25th, at 1:15 (P.S.T.), and will return on Monday, February 4th, at 3:47 (Hawaiian-Aleutian Standard Time).

During that period, I will have limited access to e-mail. Meaning that I will have full access to e-mail. I will continue to read my e-mail as though I were sitting in my office, but I will be “out” of the office. Meaning there will be no difference. Also, I will probably be in the office a bunch.

I will have sporadic access to my cell phone. This is either because I am floating down the Amazon on a handmade raft or, more likely, because I am lying on my couch, staring at my cell phone and willing myself not to check it for at least fifteen minutes.

Continue reading @ The New Yorker